he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
