It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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