I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
