When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
