I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
