make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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