When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
