How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
