Im at strip club and am horny
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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