Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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