I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
