my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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