all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
