fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
