I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
