Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
