Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize