now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
