i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
