I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
