There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
