Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
