Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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