shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
