He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just invented taco cereal.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
3pm strippers are depressing
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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