my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My penis needs a shock collar
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
