He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize