So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
