How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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