walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
