she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
