I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
