I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
