I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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