you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
