So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
