I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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