Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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