Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
