he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
