I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
