Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize