The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
