i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
