Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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