you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
