also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
