rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
