I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
