I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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