you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
