If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
