Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
