just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
