doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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