I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
