Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
