last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
