There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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