so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
