Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
